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Reviews
Dark Moor: Tarot
09/02/07 || Lord K Philipson
Wow, finally… Some power metal… Oh, how I have longed for this… Oh, how I love me some neatly executed power metal, especially if it’s brought to me by a bunch of cocksuckers from some shit country I couldn’t give 2 cocks about. Dark Moor is The New Hope. The New Black. The New Penis. Dark Moor are fantastic. At fucken sucking.
“Dark Moor”, huh? That’s 2 really cool words for a band… I wonder why no one decided to go with that combination before you Einsteins cooked it up and agreed on it being the best name since The Beatles. I so wonder why… Let’s see here;
Dark: 1. having very little or no light.
Moor: 1. a Muslim of the mixed Berber and Arab people inhabiting NW Africa.
So, my dear Muslim Of Little Or No Light (WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!), let’s fight shit with shit:
For the intro alone to “The moon”, I wanna bring these power metal idiots to my own UFC, where everyone’s invited. The bloodier, the merrier. Then I wanna beat their orchestral assholes all into oblivion, Chuck Liddell style. Not only is the intro terrible (classical theft, prolly used to show how fucken super-special these guys are. They play power metal and include classical bits. That’s a first… Innovative. Genius), the fucken tune clocks in at over 11 minutes. 11 minutes where each and every second is on par with being raped by countless of horses. It drags, drags, drags and draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaags its way through those 11 minutes, that literally feels like hours. What a fucken load of insanely awful “music”.
FUCK YOU MUCHEST!
But ofcourse it doesn’t end there. Oh no, you have 10 other equally fantastic tunes to go thru before this nightmare is over. These guys are truly amazing, in a very bad way. Cheesy keyboards all over, guitars as crunchy as cream and a vocalist with a passion for countless of miles of penis. This said vocalist is a muthafucken DISGRACE. As she puts it herself (oh, yes, that’s a very calculated insult) on their website: “Influences: Bruce Dickinson, Joe Lynn Turner, Roy Khan, Michael Kiske, Joey Tempest… “. For that alone I hope Bruce Dickinson And The Gang seek you up, demand an apology and then take a huge shit on yer cottage floor… I have had diarrhea filled with more emotions than your vocals. Go fuck yourself, and take the band with you.
Thanx for the bonus track included, by the way. “Bonus track” my cock… It’s probably included with every fucken cd printed. The 10 “original” tracks already on here wasn’t shitty enough? Fuck you. And fuck your “bonus track” as well. Oh, and what a fantastic cover you guys chose for the album… Amazing. You really managed to get everything wrong here, I have to give you that.
What a completely fucken useless group of absolute fucko’s.
1,5/10. 1 point of that is becoz they can obviously play their instruments to some extent. Wow. This is exactly as fucken awful as any given badly produced trve/grim and necro black metal band, only on a different level.
- Information
- Released: 2007
- Label: Scarlet Records
- Website: www.dark-moor.com
- Band
- Alfred Penis: vocals
- Enrik Penis: guitars
- Dani Penis: bass
- Roberto Penis: drums
- Tracklist
- 01. The Magician
- 02. The Chariot
- 03. The Star
- 04. Wheel Of Fortune
- 05. The Emperor
- 06. Devil In The Tower
- 07. Death
- 08. Lovers
- 09. The Hanged Man
- 10. The Moon
- 11. The Fool (bonus)
